What are some of the benefits? According to research by Waite and Gallagher, married couples...
- live up to eight years longer than others
- have fewer mental health problems
- have greater financial stability
- save more
According to the National Longitudinal Survey of Adolescent Health, children from intact families are less likely to...
- live in poverty
- experience mental health or emotional problems
- use drugs as marijuana or cocaine
- be expelled from school
What can a couple do to strengthen their marriage and family? They can focus on family strengths identified in research by Dr. John DeFrain.
Stay committed to each other and your family. Commitment is put to the test when challenges and difficult issues come along. What will you do? Choose to honestly work through the issues, or emotionally move away from each other to avoid confrontation? Strong commitment will give you the courage to face challenges and make changes as the marriage develops.
Communicate. Don't just check your calendars to see who is running the kids to the next soccer practice. Really communicate with each other and your children. Talk about what has happened during your day, what you have learned, how you feel about events going on in the world. When difficult issues arise (and they will) learn to share your thoughts with "I" messages rather than "You". This seemingly simple change in how feelings are stated accomplishes a lot: you take responsibility for your own feelings and avoid the blame game. It opens the door to true communication instead of escalating the conflict.
Spend plenty of enjoyable time together. As you plan your day, include time with your family.
Yes, work or hobbies are important – even essential – but where are yourour priorities? Your spouse and children will notice and feel valued when time with them is high on your list. Find things you enjoy doing as a family – things that don't cost a lot of money. Some ideas might be playing card or table games together, taking walks or bike rides, making videos or slide shows to send to grandparents. Don't neglect eating meals together. Great times and memories happen around the kitchen table!
Let each family member know they are loved and appreciated. Tell family members "I love you". You may think they already know that you love them, but hearing the words sends a powerful message. Let each one know that their place in the family is important, and you notice the things they do to contribute to the family. Surprise each other with little notes of encouragement tucked in a lunch box or under a pillow.
Every family has difficult times, but the benefits of working through the problems rather than choosing to divorce are well worth the effort.
Source: Jeanette Friesen, UNL Extension Educator
